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My need to rant and scream

  • Posted on June 3, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I just am so fed up anymore that I don’t know what is next. I have tried to laugh and joke around about my legs but I can’t as of yet. I usually joke around to deal with my health but the way I am feeling lately I have been very depressed because it seems like I get one thing started to straighten out and another thing starts up or I end up with something else.

Some people just don’t understand what I go through and some days you just want to give up. There are many days that I want to yell at the top of my lungs that NO BODY understands the hell I go through on a daily basis. I can not cook or clean up the apartment by myself and I just feel plain useless due to all of these things.

I have been all my life independent until I was beat in Brampton with a baseball bat. I was attacked in the head with the bat and ever since then my health has gone from bad to worse. I know that I am still lucky to be alive but maybe some people may be able to understand a bit better now what I go through and why lately I have gotten so discouraged and frustrated and just fed right up with everything in my daily life. I can not go out a anywhere I have to always have someone with me so I feel like a little kid needing a babysitter 24/7. Yes I have feeling in my body unlike a couple years ago, but with this pain sometimes I wish I didn’t because at least I wouldn’t feel the pain that I continue to go through.

My doctor is checking me for other health issues now as well as sending me to an Internist Doctor which are what as known as Puzzle Doctors. Their job is to explain what other doctors are having trouble explaining why. She will look at my entire health and try and find a reason for all these issues happening.

Please think of other people and try to help at least one person even if it is to make them smile as you never know how that could brighten up their day. I know if one of my online friends says “hi” I try to say hi back as soon as I can.

I have been fighting and fighting with things over my health for so long now it just makes me wonder if it is ever going to stop. You know I used to have a saying that “the Big Guy upstairs doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but I think I have had my limit and then some so I wish I would just get a break from more health issues coming out. The pain I am in constantly on a scale from 1 to 10 is usually about a 17 now and that is only from the surgery’s that went bad and the nerve damage. Then there is the pain in my legs with the burning and stinging from the nerves. I had the fan on the other day and even the little bit of wind from a fan drives me crazy with the pain in the legs. I have 2 toes that have been going numb more and more lately and when I go to the doctor again I have to tell him about this now.

I’ve had some so called “friends” make comments when I post things that are quite upsetting and have now made it that much more difficult for me to write. But a few people have said for me to continue with writing and screw everyone else. They don’t like it then they can move on.

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